With Crap,
John

If you manage to get to chapter eight, a fun (or physically debilitating) drinking game is to take a shot every time someone “murmurs.” You’ll see what I mean. Thanks for the laughs.

If it helps, these reviews are hilarious and I’m getting a lot of good storytelling tips from them.

And then claim to like it! I know. It truly is the social facepalm of the modern day.

*sorry

Everyone she encounters at this massive company is perfectly fine with one person showing up for someone else’s appointment, without anything in the way of background checks or confirmation calls.

My first thought was to comment that you’d be amazed how far press credentials will get you (and how little people can care about checking). Then, I remembered that it was a college newspaper, and, in my experiences, their press passes aren’t worth that much. So yeah… moving on.

I’ll say this, though: I’m enjoying Ana as a person more than I ever did Bella. She’s more interesting, more real.

I can’t help but wonder if your reaction might have been different if you weren’t comparing Stasiya to Bella. But then, personally, I don’t think Bella had no personality – she had an awful, appallingly egocentric personality – but that’s a whole other conversation.

The difference is that those other forms of adaptations and tie ins are officially licensed and done with the blessing and/or involvement of the creators, the people who actually own the original thing.

I personally don’t have a problem with publishing fanfic as long as the elements that tie it to the original thing are altered and the focus is put on the original content the author added. Like if this had been published in the version that still kept Bella, Edward, and Jacob, no, I would not support that. But by changing those elements and letting the original take stand (mostly) on its own, I don’t have a problem with that.

As for people who have issues with this sort of stuff, I don’t really get it. Remakes, comic book versions, sequels, prequels, video game adaptations, novelizations… people are fine with all of that, but something that started out as a fanfic, that’s where they draw the line?

Most of them are bad. But we’ll have to wait till you get further in.

I cannot beleive people are paying $9.99 for their kindle editions of this crap.

2. Okay, there’s a “big lizard” in this story? Paging Dr. Freud. Ahem.

3. That horse-riding scene? I died. Now I’m typing this from beyond the grave.

4. Ugh. Gross. That’s why I can’t read these damn things. Thanks for taking one for the team, buddy.

2) That said, I still can’t really get over the absurdity of the whole fashion designer/chieftain thing. What, the character wasn’t interesting enough without some absurdly unlikely and feminine career? And I’m still mad that all you need to pass as a scientist (among other scientists!) is bushy eyebrows and ugly clothes.

3) Going back to my grudging admiration of the author, I actually get a feeling that some of the more ridiculous romance tropes were forced onto her by the expectations of her editors and the conventions of the Silhouette Intimate Moments line that the book was released under. There are bits that are dropped suddenly and others that feel rather tacked on. But you haven’t gotten there yet.

Anyway, excited to see what you make of the rest of it!

I’m glad you’re excited, Earthgirl, and hope you enjoy part 1. Part 2 had a few delays, but will be up very soon.

For a while, it looked like the story was going to be interesting, and it seemed like the writer actually did her homework (which is always welcome). But just as I was approaching the end of the recap – wham, tired romance novel trope resurfaces and suddenly, the novel doesn’t seem so interesting anymore.

That said, I would probably read the recaps of the rest of the novel out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Sorry for doubting you, Noel. You were very fair, and you read past the point where I would have thrown the novel across the room in disgust. Looking forward to next time.

Your writing is hilarious and I love reading it

After I did a double-take, that picture of the “battered woman” almost made me spit.

You’re actually the second person to recommend that. I may have to do it!

Earthgirl :
You have no idea how much this made my night.
Did you know there’s a book called The Cowboy and the Cossack? He’s a cowboy/spy, she’s a half-American fashion designer turned chieftain of her ancestral nomadic tribe. With access to a nuclear device in the mid-90s. I’m pretty sure the author makes up her plot summaries with madlibs.

Earthgirl :
Oh, and there are no men in the tribe younger than 65. Commence hijinks, although sadly far fewer hijinks than there should have been.

…I think you need to read this one. If only so someone can take pictures of you flailing while you do.

Did you know there’s a book called The Cowboy and the Cossack? He’s a cowboy/spy, she’s a half-American fashion designer turned chieftain of her ancestral nomadic tribe. With access to a nuclear device in the mid-90s. I’m pretty sure the author makes up her plot summaries with madlibs.

Thank you for taking this bullet so we don’t have to. The advantage of being a harlequin imprint is that it ought to be fairly short, no?

They aren’t messing around, are they? “Just so we’re clear, she’s totally into him and thinks he’s hot. Okay, back to the story.”

Let me repeat this last one; this kind of fiction was not written for kids, it doesn’t have kids in mind, it shouldn’t be read by kids, and if you are the kind of parent who just tosses these novels at your kids without vetting them first, you’re at best a lazy parent and at worst an utter waste of otherwise breathable air.

This kind of fiction is a bit like a huge slice of chocolate cake. It’s not terribly good for you, too much of it will make you sick, but if you like chocolate a little indulgence isn’t going to hurt you. And trying to ram it down everyone else’s throat is a pretty douchey thing to do at best, and actively criminal at worst.

For a prime literary example of this kind of thing, try Bertrice Small’s work. She at least has the decency to pick a historically appropriate period, and her historical research is sound, which is better than average for the genre.

Sooo… Pregnesia now, y/y?

(OHSHI-)

Yes, I AM trying to distract everyone from the actual book being reviewed here. Because, DAMN. I can’t even. I think everyone is in the same pose as you are there.

“(Also, by the way, one of her nipples is gone. This is apparently a plot point.)”
Really? It… really? What, does she now have negative magical powers? Is she a walking anti-magic field?

I’m not sure which would be worse: interrupting good sex scenes with bad plot, or interrupting good plot with bad sex. Either way you’re irritating the reader, just in two distinctly different ways.

Augh, euphemism.

Clearly, Mark has a telescoping penis. This is one of his many futuristic post-vampire enhancements.

Check out the author…I feel that maybe it could be a pseudonym or its just a fresh new author havin to chuck out porn before they make it big….you know, like a really dumb celebrity. (or really smart if you think about it.)…it’s just so weird that there’s really decent world-building if it’s romance, but I guess I could just be mean and digging into a stereotype.

I SO understand the “I am not reading this anywhere except home” thing. I feel like you’re going to need one of those re-usable fabric book covers for covering up embarassing books while reading them/having them lying around/whatever. I’m not sure where you’d buy them, but I’m told that they’re not hard to sew, and it avoids the “Oh god, people can see the picture on the front of this book and THEY ARE JUDGING ME” issue.

P.S. The sterilized thing is giving me hives. I…I don’t want to KNOW the details.

I honestly can’t tell if that makes it better or not?

…

I got nothing.

He bites her ankle? I suppose that’s one way to find out you have a real live girl, rather than the lovebot you were expecting…

(Although, since I can’t shut the hell about the rapey in my reviews either, I will say that from your synopsis, Mark (WHY IS THERE FAKE ROMAN NAMES) is expecting a lovebot, which he doesn’t need consent from so from his POV, this is probably not rape, and I’m not sure what Mayflower is up to or why she’s pretending to be a lovebot- doesn’t look like we’ve gotten that far yet, what with the scrotums and all…)

(also, kindle for keeping people from knowing what you’re reading. True fax.)

(And Kayleigh is mean. How do we get on the list to suggest books to you?)

This thing belongs back in…I don’t know…1960? He lost me when he took her in anger. This sort of fantasy, I hope you know, does not appeal to all women. Bleh.

And no, sorry, the plot isn’t gonna get better. Evah. It’s REQUIRED. It’s all about the hero, who needs a plot?

“Vike off” has definitely been cast into my vocab. Thanks for that, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…in a good way.

CANNOT COMPUTE.

Can’t wait.

I look forward to MOAR REVIEWINGS.

I am now utterly intrigued by the “diabolical” cure for vampirism. Excite!

All that aside, it was a great review and I may have laughed till I snorted. I hope there are more, and will wait with baited breath over the months to come. Thanks for taking one for us, the internets!

Is that my cow?

Nay! Verily tis Angela and Magnus tupping in the vineyard. They go unf unf unf.

I am a terrible person.

And I love Thud/Where’s My Cow? <3 <3 <3

I don’t know how you’re going to get through a second romance after this. The last few installments have been painful. But funny. Funny is good.

(First comment here yaaaay)

BEST ENDING EVER. I heard that sentence in Stephen Briggs’ voice in my head and for a few seconds I didn’t even realise why.

As a sidenote: is the reference at the end to Pratchett’s “Thud”? The rhyme about the cow? It’s been awhile since I read that book, but the City Watch books in the Discworld series were always my favourites.

Oooh oh oh throw in a picture of yourself facepalming. Using the book! Facebook!

I know I’ve said it before, but I HATE this sub-sub-genre.

(And as a SCAdian, well, whatever Sandra Hill needs to get off her chest is better than some recent crap I’ve read. And uh, well, in some cases, Hill is not exactly wrong.)

I will not be satisfied unless Magnus gets a cow.

(*sob*)

No, you’re not.

WHAT IS WITH ALL THE PLOWING METAPHORS. It does not sound sexy. Turnips are not sexy. The word “harrow” is definitely not sexy.

…I just had a horrible thought. The Straw Feminist isn’t going to get some sort of comeuppance, is she? The best-case scenario I can think of is her maybe falling for one of Magnus’s sons and them being all “LOL YOU NO CAN HAS” and everyone laughing at her, but it could easily be so much worse in this book.

Someone’s looking forward to his wedding night.

ILU. HEE HEE HEE.

I have so many other thoughts in here somewhere (including on your last entry) but that’s pretty much all I can come up with for now.

Yeah… maybe not.

I… brain. Make words.

Bluescreen. Reboot.

Man, this is hard to read. How do you do it? XD

(Hi Redheadedgirl! I was going to link that before I even saw you here.)

You sir are much more diplomatic than I.
(Looking forward to continued funny though.)